August 21 2011

The Falstead Times – Text Copy
Saturday 8/21/2011

Queer Quake Rocks Falstead!

Early this morning, an unexpected earthquake hit the city of Falstead. The quake, which measured 4.2 on the richter scale, was completely unexpected and somewhat at odds with our region’s tectonic history.
Giaya Tefta, of UNH Falstead’s Seismology lab, says that it’s no fault of hers that we had no warning. “The quake has no apparent cause,” she said in an interview this morning. “Its epicenter, just a few miles to the northwest of town, is miles away from even minor faults. We think that what we felt as tectonic action might have just been in incredibly local shearing force along an unknown geological formation.”
In other words, Dr. Tefta believes that there was some sort of natural event – a cave collapse, or some sort of hugely stressful underground event – which was so close that we felt it as a quake. While Dr. Tefta says that her geological team will be mounting an investigation shortly, that does nothing to mitigate the damage already done.
Along the Atlantic Highway just South of the city, the quake startled two motorists and sent them careening off of the road. To the northwest, where the quake was centered just off of route 298, the damage was slightly more severe. A nearby farm was A2

Slug Season Slides On

Falstead’s wet summer has been a boon for slugs, which are becoming more of a menace than ever. While the mollusks are usually fairly common in our area, this year there has been an exceptional amount of them, and local gardeners are so angry that they’re just about ready to spit mucus.
“The damned slugs have eaten half of my cabbage crops – twice!” says local octogenerian Bud Rickels. Bud, who has lived in Falstead for the past 60 years, is an avid fan of saeurkraut and relies on his yearly harvest to feed his craving and supply some income. But this year, Bud’s cabbages just aren’t budding! More accurately, they’re not surviving.
“I’ve tried slug pellets. I’ve tried salt. I’ve tried pesticides, and getting some ducks to come and eat them, and just about everything else, but those damn slugs keep coming!” Neighbors are reporting similar slimy issues, though not all with cabbages.
“My peonies look like they’ve been in a shootout” says May Meekers. May, who has been a florist here since B12

Aquarium Exhibit Opens!

Kids and adults alike rejoice today as the Falstead aquarium opens its “Penguins At Play” exhibit today. The exhibit was originally conceived in 2004 by aquarium director Jay Tormund. Mr. Tormund told the Times that the exhibit “was inspired by Boston, really. I love the boston aquarium, and the penguins are a main attraction but, when you get right down to it, the exhibit is old. It’s fun, true, but it’s inside, it stinks up the place, and you can tell that it’s been there for too long. So we decided to make our own.”
After seven years of hard work, the exhibit is finally working. The penguin enclave, a project which has cost multiple millions in construction and advertising costs, lies adjacent to the aquarium and uses seawater from our very own stretch of the atlantic. The exhibit contains multiple species of penguins, most notably the iconic Emperor Penguins, whose bright crests and large size have made them recognizable the world over.

Still No Leads On Missing Philanthropists

Prank Call Epidemic Leaves Police Officers Pretty P.O.ed

“Newport’s News” Festival One Week Away – Will It Matter?

Two More Collisions at Goethe’s Circle

August 21 2011

The Falstead Mysteries Braincase